On Despair

Part of having faith is being patient. Recently, I have been feeling upset. Everyday I struggle with my patience because I am angry at life. I am angry that I am “crazy”. I am angry that I was hospitalized in a psychiatric hospital for a psychotic episode and I am angry that it almost happened a second time. I am angry that I am in love with somebody who doesn’t love me back (this angers me most of all). I feel despair everyday even when I try to feel hope and stay positive. Even on my best days, I feel sad, and most of all–angry. Angry because I wish I didn’t have to deal with my bipolar disorder, angry because I wish I had a partner, angry because my patience is exhausted on most days, angry because I wish I had a different life. I want things from life, I have hopes and dreams, but they seem so far from reach. I feel like I am swimming endlessly, without a destination in my way. How can others make life seem so easy? It is exhausting!!!  I cry on most days because of this anger, because of my lack of patience. I am beginnning to pray everyday because I feel like it is my last resort.
For those who believe in God, there is a saying that goes: “God grabs you by the neck but He doesn’t suffocate you.”

My grandmother says this in Spanish once in a while and I sometimes don’t care for it. But right now, I think about my psychotic episode and how I felt suffocated by God. I don’t feel suffocated any longer but I do feel like I have difficulty breathing on most days, not because I am asmatic but because after that “suffocation” I am different. I am less patient, I have difficulty being calm, in truth–I am a completely different person. I feel like my wings have been cut and if they are growing then they are growing slowly. I don’t think I was punished by God. I think I experienced an awakening, however strange that may sound. The difficulty with this though is that my “awakening” was a slap in the face. That slap in the face left me depleted of energy, hope, and it has taken a toll on my faith and what I believe is good in this world. Most days I feel like life is a piece of shit–not a miracle. All I can do is say thank you for another day, even if that day was one of those where I felt my anger to the point of tears.

Tonight I will pray that tomorrow I wake up peacefully and not anxiously.

I might be crazy. I might be insane. I might be bipolar. I might be weird. But I still have a heart. I am still human. All I hope is for God to give me the strength to keep knowing. Lord knows I need it.

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