On Despair

Part of having faith is being patient. Recently, I have been feeling upset. Everyday I struggle with my patience because I am angry at life. I am angry that I am “crazy”. I am angry that I was hospitalized in a psychiatric hospital for a psychotic episode and I am angry that it almost happened a second time. I am angry that I am in love with somebody who doesn’t love me back (this angers me most of all). I feel despair everyday even when I try to feel hope and stay positive. Even on my best days, I feel sad, and most of all–angry. Angry because I wish I didn’t have to deal with my bipolar disorder, angry because I wish I had a partner, angry because my patience is exhausted on most days, angry because I wish I had a different life. I want things from life, I have hopes and dreams, but they seem so far from reach. I feel like I am swimming endlessly, without a destination in my way. How can others make life seem so easy? It is exhausting!!!  I cry on most days because of this anger, because of my lack of patience. I am beginnning to pray everyday because I feel like it is my last resort.
For those who believe in God, there is a saying that goes: “God grabs you by the neck but He doesn’t suffocate you.”

My grandmother says this in Spanish once in a while and I sometimes don’t care for it. But right now, I think about my psychotic episode and how I felt suffocated by God. I don’t feel suffocated any longer but I do feel like I have difficulty breathing on most days, not because I am asmatic but because after that “suffocation” I am different. I am less patient, I have difficulty being calm, in truth–I am a completely different person. I feel like my wings have been cut and if they are growing then they are growing slowly. I don’t think I was punished by God. I think I experienced an awakening, however strange that may sound. The difficulty with this though is that my “awakening” was a slap in the face. That slap in the face left me depleted of energy, hope, and it has taken a toll on my faith and what I believe is good in this world. Most days I feel like life is a piece of shit–not a miracle. All I can do is say thank you for another day, even if that day was one of those where I felt my anger to the point of tears.

Tonight I will pray that tomorrow I wake up peacefully and not anxiously.

I might be crazy. I might be insane. I might be bipolar. I might be weird. But I still have a heart. I am still human. All I hope is for God to give me the strength to keep knowing. Lord knows I need it.

Summer Wind 

The summer wind came blowing in from across the sea…

A mellifluous voice I heard.

I smiled, of course.

Why, when I locked eyes with you, I felt comfortable?

Why, when I stared at your bare hands I ached to hold them?

Why, when it seemed like no one was watching I felt you stare at me?
Were you? I wonder…
I pray that one day I will know the truth.

That that “not yet” that escaped your mouth meant something.

I pray that if you are with her that you feel magic, because my dear, if you don’t feel magic then it is not meant to be.

I pray, and I hope, that one day I can hear you sing “Summer Wind”.
Just then

Then,
Will everything be alright in this world.

A Prayer

The greatest pain that I have ever known is loving someone and that someone not loving me back. I feel trapped by the memory of his spirit, his being, his essence. Sometimes, the pain is too much and I don’t know what to do with myself. Other times, it is bearable. It has been a year since I’ve last seen this (stranger) and yet I feel so close to him because he exists in my thoughts and prayers. I pray that he is happy, that is healthy, and that-selfishly-he thinks of me at least in the slightest. At this point, I know there is no future with him. That hurts. It burns. It feels like a stab in the heart. Seven years ago I fell in love. A few months ago I proclaimed my love. Today I ache and I cry because I feel trapped. Sometimes I wish I could erase the memory of him. But no. It is too sweet to remember his voice, his character, his smile and his laugh, it is too sweet to remember him. So I will write and write and pray and pray because that is all I can do. I wish him the best. And if he is in love (then I hope that it is true).