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May 20, 2018

I had a dream my life would be so different from this hell I’m living…

-Les Miserables

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blogs, life, mindfulness, San Juan, Puerto Rico, self-esteem, writing

Psychosis Round 1 Story

It all began at a small liberal arts college in upstate New York–Ithaca College. 
I was in the first semester of my third year and I began to fall apart in October.
I started going on nightly walks to look at the moon and somewhere along the line reality and fantasy mixed and then I started thinking that the moon was affecting my fertility and menstrual cycle. This was one of my many delusions. I also believed that I was being persecuted by a friend of mine and that that friend (who had access to a gun) was out to get me. So I was experiencing delusions and I was also paranoid.
One night, I couldn’t fall asleep because I kept thinking about my friend who was “out to get me” and I had a panic attack. My roommate was very startled and it took me a while to calm down. After that, she didn’t trust me again and I felt terrible about what had happened. 
I began to feel restless every night (mania) and I would walk and go to the gym and walk more without needing any rest. I also developed a crush on a classmate when was gay and when he rejected me I immediately wanted to go back home. I decided to return home to Puerto Rico–things only got worse from there.
When I returned home I developed another crush on a person I who I had liked during high school. Even though I hadn’t seen this person in years, I was convinced that I was in love. This was one of my strongest delusions because I landed in the hospital because my psychosis revolved around obsessive thinking about X person. My experience at the hospital was a frightening one–I hope everyone knows that I’m talking about a psychiatric hospital. I saw all sorts of different people. Some that appeared normal to me and some with serious mental issues (even on my delicate mental state I could discern who was hallucinating and who was simply there because of other issues.) I was at the hospital for a week and then I returned home. I was prescribed a cocktail of Abilify, Celexa, Klonopin, and Depakote. My obsession with x person persisted for several months after but at least I wasn’t experiencing a full blown psychosis like I experienced prior to going to the hospital. 
My first psychosis was followed by psychiatric treatment (visits to a psychiatrist and continued medication) but when I was convinced by a family member that I didn’t need to take my meds, I stopped. Six months later I experienced my second psychosis. I’ll write more about that in a different post. 
My purpose in writing this is to inform others about what people with bipolar disorder and other psychotic disorders go through and why it’s important to follow treatment. I hope that I haven’t scared anyone although for me it was a scary experience. I could write pages and pages about psychosis 1 but I don’t think it would be good for an internet audience. 
So I’ve kept this short and sweet and if you have any questions I would love to answer them.
Stay tuned for psychosis round 2! 

life, mindfulness, poems, writing

Starlight

“My life, you electrify my life”

-Starlight
I think it was a matter of wrong timing. All of the signs were present, i just didn’t notice them. I regret not noticing them because now it’s too late. I don’t have you. I can’t have you. It is forbidden. Some days all I think about is you and the song Starlight starts playing in my head, “I just wanted to hold you in my arms…” The truth is i wasn’t ready–back then–to confess my love for you. And now that I have it’s too late. I think it was a matter of wrong timing. I was too young when perhaps it was a good time. All I know is I fell in love “a través del tiempo” I fell in love with the passing of time and in retrospect remembered you. Two years went by of me repressing memories of you and when they finally came up in a psychosis it was definitely the wrong time and place for a proclamation of love but nevertheless I proceeded. I don’t regret it. Only that I wish I had said it earlier. Right now I want us to conspire to re-ignite, like the song goes. But life is not a song. And you are not mine. 

blogs, mindfulness, poems, self-esteem

Tired

I’m listening to David Bowie and I think, “why not write?” 

But I’m tired.

Tired of life.

Tired of this nothingness.

Tired of waking up every morning.

Tired of trying to figure it all out.

So today, I don’t want to write.

When will I want to write?

I don’t know.

I just know that I’m tired and that music alleviates my soul and I wish I could be a hero one day like the song goes and write something worthwhile.